


Miraculous Flaming Trash Heap

by Jackal-In-A-Box (JackalInABox)



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Drabbles, Gratuitous use of IPA for censoring., Humor, shitfics
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-19
Updated: 2018-10-13
Packaged: 2019-05-08 19:00:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 2,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14700261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JackalInABox/pseuds/Jackal-In-A-Box
Summary: What I should be doing: MariChat May. What I am doing instead: Compiling all my trash fics into one bin.[16] What if there is no dramatic identity reveal?One day, Chat Noir has to pull Marinette out of danger, but he takes her towards the akuma, instead of away…Marinette:“Chat, I am not questioning your sanity, but also,are you crazy?”Chat Noir:“Sorry, m’lady, but we have no time for protocol! We need to stop this akuma, like… five minutes ago!”Marinette:“… … … And… if I’m not your lady?”Chat Noir:“Then Marinette’s probably the best chance these people have!”Marinette:“Flattering~ Hey, Adrien?”Chat Noir:“Yeah?”Marinette:“Nothing~ Just checking.”





	1. MariChat Teamup

**Author's Note:**

> Find my trash on [Tumblr](https://jackal-in-a-box.tumblr.com)!
> 
> And without further ado...

**Chat Noir:**  “Marinette, you were amazing! I couldn’t have asked for a better sidekick.”  
**Marinette:**  “Who’re you calling a  _sidekick?_ ”  
**Chat Noir:**  “ _Partner!_  I meant partner! Totally…”

**[ _Outtakes_    ]**  
**Alya:**  “ _Sooo~_  I hear you’re Chat Noir’s new ‘partner’. What’s it like?”  
**Marinette:**  ¬_¬  _You tell me, Alya “Rena Rouge” Césaire…_


	2. (Mari)Chat, Back From The Future

**Chat Noir:**  *drops in from the future*  
“Furballs…”  
“Okay… how do I fix this?”  
“Gotta find Ladybug.”  
*sees Marinette walk by*  
“Hey, Princess!”  
**Marinette:**  “What’s going on?”  
(00:00:30)  _*Activate Panic Mode*_  
(00:10:00) “Okay, I’m over it. Now, what’s going on, again?”  
(00:13:00) *Activate How Is This My Life Mode*  
(00:15:00) *Activate Team Mode*  
(00:20:00) *Activate Banter Mode*  
(00:25:00) *Activate Flirt Mode*  
(00:25:01) *blue screen*  
**Alya:**  … … … “What’s going on?”  
**Alix:**  “Wow, you two really hit it off! Maybe you should give up on  _Adrien_  and date  _him_  instead!”  
**Marinette:**   _“WE’RE JUST FRIENDS!”_  
**Chat Noir:**  “Okay,  _I deserve that._ ”

**[   Outtakes   ]**  
**Chat Noir:**  “One for the road, my princess?” ( ˘ 3˘)  
**Marinette:**  … *steps in close* … *shoves him into the portal*  
(  _Other Side / Back In Time_  )  
**Ladybug:**  “How was your  _trip?_ ”  
**Chat Noir:**  “You didn’t even try to save me, did you?”  
**Ladybug:**  “ _Nope._ ”


	3. A MariChat Wedding Story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I basically headcanon that these dorks will never grow up...

**Chat Noir:**  “Hey, Alix! How go the time travels? Run into any  _quantum zombies?_ ”  
**Alix:**  “Well, when we do, me ‘n my kwami can handle ‘em!  
Sooo… how ‘bout you? I hear you got  _married!_  As in…”  
*gestures to all of Chat*  
“You actually married… as Chat.”  
**Chat Noir:**  “Okay, so  _what happened_  was…  
_Alya_  was like: ‘It’s  _bad luck_  to see the bride before the wedding!’  
And  _I’m_  like: ‘ _Well cats_ , looks like I can’t get married now! Guess I’ll have to find  _someone else_  to get married  _for me!’_  So of course…”  
*gestures to all of self*  
“ _This guy_  shows up.  
And of course,  _little miss sass_  goes: ‘Looks like Alya was  _right!_  It’s  _Mr Bad Luck, himself!’_ ”

**[   Outtakes   ]**  
**Alix:**  “I can’t believe I missed that!”  
**Chat Noir:**  “Don’t worry, you didn’t!” *passes a three-year-old wedding invitation*  
**Alix:**  “ _Oh, rad!_  Well, I’ll be seeing you…  _whenever~_  I got somewhen to be!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quantum zombies is an Artemis Fowl joke...


	4. The Chat-Gets-Turned-Into-A-Cat Trope: Take XX

**Marinette:**  “Who’s a pretty kitty? You are! Yes you are~”  
*takes a couple hundred c(h)at pics*  
 **Kitty!Chat:**  *poses effortlessly*  
(*enjoys getting both his ego and back stroked*)  
 **Marinette:**  “Okay, that’s enough kitty Chat snaps. Time to find Ladybug and turn you back.”

**( Next Day )**  
 **Rose:**  “Wow, Marinette, your cat is very  _photogenic!_ ”

**( Next Year )**  
 **Marinette:**  “… … … Now that I look back,  _IT REALLY SHOULD’VE BEEN A CLUE!”_  
 **Adrien:**  *preens*


	5. Back From The Future II

Ladybug, Chat Noir, Rena Rouge, Queen Bee and Carapace drop into a park.  
**Carapace:**  “We messed up big this time, bro squad.”  
**Ladybug:**  “This is why I told you not to touch the light! What am I supposed to do with you!?”  
**Queen Bee:**  “I don’t know about you, but I’m not about to go living in an ally anytime soon. Call me when you have a plan. I’m going home!”  
**Rena Rouge:**  “You realize people are going to think you’re shacking up with yourself, right?”  
**Chat Noir:**  “Wouldn’t be the first time.”

 **( Agreste Mansion )**  
**Adrien:**  *still trying to process the most confusing 10-way comm call of his life*  
**Chat Noir:**  “Hey, roomie!”  
**Adrien:**  “OH MY GOD,  _WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?_  You can’t just casually swing in here in broad daylight! You could lead people here. I’ll be revealed!”  
**Chat Noir:**  “Lol, no. Trust me, people are  _not_  that smart. They’ll just think we’re  _dating_.”  
**( From Across the Street )**  
**Carapace:**  “True story.”  
**Ladybug:**  “Happened to me.”  
**Rena Rouge:**  “Hey, I’d go gay for me~”  
**Queen Bee:**  “Who wouldn’t?”  
**Carapace:**  “Pro homo.”  
**Ladybug:**  “You should really use this to your advantage!  
“Okay, bye! We’re going to drop the rest of us off~”

**[   Outtakes   ]**  
**Marinette:**  o(╥﹏╥) “I can’t believe Chat Noir took Adrien Love-of-My-Life Agreste from me!”  
**Ladybug:**  ಸ_ಸ “I can’t believe Tikki put up with me.”  
**Marinette:**  “This is what I get for never making my move!”  
**Ladybug:**  “On the upside… this is not your worst moment.”  
**Marinette:**  ಠ-ಠ … … …


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one wasn't even a fic tbh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was [saying](https://jackal-in-a-box.tumblr.com/post/173396730798/), Marinette's hero name as a butterfly would probably be a play on "Mariposa".

Ladybug!Marinette  
=  
**Buginette**

Cat!Marinette  
=  
**Chatonette  
**

Butterfly!Marinette  
=  
**Marinette**

 

 

 

 **Chat:**  … … … “Wait a minute…”  
**Mari:**  [ Breathe.exe has stopped working. ]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have an actual legit AU for this, but who has the time to draw/write with ideas hitting like the Niagra Falls? I barely have time to make notes on one idea before the next pounces...


	7. Chapter 7

**Ladybug:**  
“When life gives you dilemmas…”

**Chat Noir:  
** “Make dilemmanade!”

**Ladybug:**  
“That’s it. We’re through.  
Hand in your ring.  
You’re done.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drabble? More like #incorrect quotes.


	8. Chapter 8

**Hawk Moth:**  “Son… you wouldn’t fight your own father, would you?

 **Chat Noir:**  “YOU LITERALLY USED MY TEARS TO TERRORIZE PARIS! GO. TO. HELL.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Where does Hawk Moth get his tears of joy? Adrien of course.
> 
> ~~Nooroo literally eats tears.~~
> 
> Why is this even here...?


	9. Chapter 9

**Really important question:**

##  **Do you think Plagg could cataclysm milk into cheese?**

Because if so, I am ready to sell my soul to Cheesus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm apparently having a hard time sorting my ʃɪtfics and my ʃɪtposts...


	10. Chapter 10

**Plagg:**  “Sure, kitten. Whatever you say.”

**Adrien:**  “Plagg! I’m 23 years old! I am not a kitten! When are you going to stop calling me that?”

**Plagg:**  “Hm… When you’re 10,000 years old, like my miraculous, we can have that talk.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Marinette:**  “Crap! My transformation ran out, but I need to get back in there! I need a disguise…”  
*looks at LB costume*  
“Yeah, that’ll work!“

**Tikki:**  “—!!!” *attempts to speak in cookie* 

 

**Chat Noir:**  “Marinette!?”

**Marinette:**  “NO—!?”

**Nino:**  “… Is that  _Marinette?_  Why’s she—”

**Alya:**  “ _Marinette_  wutth _fʌk_  are you doing out in the field!? You’re not super-proof! Get your æs the fʌk out of there before I haul it for you! You know I will! I’m not giving it back, either!”

 

 

 

**Marinette:**  “Why didn’t it work?”

**Tikki:**  … *cough* “That’s not how that works…. Sorry?”


	12. Adrien & Marinette Agreste’s 3rd Anniversary

**Alya:**  “A toast to the happy couple!”  _*coughMariChat*  
_**Nino:**  “What _?_  I thought we were here to celebrate  _LadyNoir!_ ”  
**Chloe:**  “‘LadyNoir’ isn’t even a  _thing!_  We all know  _Ladrien_  is the only real ship!”

 **Marinette:**   _“Weareliterallythesametwopeople!”_  
**Adrien:**  “It’s been  _years!_  When are you guys going to  _let it go!?_ ”

 **[   Outtakes   ]**  
**Plagg:**  “Well, we know Adrienette is a  _lie_ —‘cause  _she’s just a friend!”_  
**Tikki:**  “We’re putting off cake for  _this?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They had to suffer three years of this. They may give it a rest as a fourth anniversary gift.


	13. Chapter 13

**Rose:  
** “Wow, they look exactly like Ladybug and Chat Noir!” 

**Alya:  
** …

…

…

##  **_HOLY ʃɪt MY CHILDREN ARE LADYBUG AND CHAT NOIR!_ **

**MAYDAY! MAYDAY! DAMAGE CONTROL!**

“Lol, no, my children are losers! They could never…“


	14. #Alya Knows I

**Marinette:** “Alya, I need your help to set me up with Adrien.”

 **Alya:**  “Since when do you need  _my help?”_

 **Marinette:**  “Huh?”

 **Alya:**  “What?”  
…  
…  
_“OMG, you don’t know!”_

 **Marinette:**   _“What? WHAT DON’T I KNOW!?”_


	15. #Alya Knows II

**Lila:**  “Hey, Adrien. Could you help me~?”  
**Adrien:**  “Sure! Always happy to help!”  
**Marinette:**  “Lyin Lila’s back on the hunt!  _Alya…!”_  
**Alya:**  “Yeah, yeah, I’ll ‘help’…”

**Lila:**  “Thanks for the save, Adrien~ You’re like my knight in shining armor!” *leans forward, like for a kiss*  
**Adrien:**  Quest complete! *gives a bow* “Always a pleasure little lady~”  
**Lila:**  … … … “Wow, so gallant! Sure you aren’t, like, Chat Noir?”  
**Alya:**  “Hah~ If Adrien is actually Chat Noir, Marinette is totally Ladybug…  
“Haaahhh…”  
**Marinette:**  “ _Alya!_  Wtf are you doing!?”  
**Alya:**  “Helping…”  
**Adrien:**  …  
…  
…  
**Lila:**  …

**[   Outtakes I   ]**   
**Alya:**  WHY IS IT SO HARD?  _WHY!?_  IT SHOULDN’T BE THIS HARD!

**[   Outtakes II   ]** **  
****Nino:**  “Smoooooth… Why don’t you use lines like that on me?”  
**Alya:**  “When you’re  _actually Chat Noir_ , I will!”  
**Nino:**  … … …  _HOLY F—!_  *malfunctions*


	16. What if there is no dramatic identity reveal?

One day, Chat Noir has to pull Marinette out of danger, but he takes her  _towards_ the akuma, instead of away…  
**Marinette:**  “Chat, I am not questioning your sanity, but also,  _are you crazy?”_  
**Chat Noir:**  “Sorry, m’lady, but we have no time for protocol! We need to stop this akuma, like… five minutes ago!”  
**Marinette:**  “… … … And… if I’m  _not_  your lady?”  
**Chat Noir:**  “Then Marinette’s probably the best chance these people have!”  
**Marinette:**  “Flattering~ Hey, Adrien?”  
**Chat Noir:**  “Yeah?”  
**Marinette:**  “Nothing~ Just checking.”


	17. Marinette’s Confession

**Chat Noir:**  “You are… ‘in love’… with… Adrien…” (skeptical) “… the model?”

**Marinette:**  “Model  _citizen_ ~” ;D

**Chat Noir:**  “… Wow, that’s… actually pretty good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's actually really bad... but it sums it up decently.


	18. MariChat May; ʃɪtpost Edition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt #6 - You carried me bridal-style in one akuma attack and now Paris ships us together.

Marinette, browsing the internet:  
 _Why do people always ship me with this boy!?_

## I dOn’t KnOW, Marinette! Why do  _ **you?**_


	19. The Balcony Scene™ ( It counts, right? )

**Chloe:**  *going on and on about the amazing Ladybug*  
**Adrien:**  *nods along approvingly*  
**Alya:**  “Wow, she hasn’t shut up since she got here! I run the Ladyblog, and even I don’t talk this much!”  
**Marinette:**  “Yes you do.”  
**Alya:**  “Hey, Chloe! Give it a rest already! We get it. You want to date Ladybug! Everybody  _does._  But guess what? She can’t hear you!”  
**Marinette:**  *red as a Ladybug*  
**Chloe:**  “Wha—fff, no! That’s not what—I mean—I  _could so_  get a date!”  
**Marinette:**  “No…“  
**Alya:**  “ _Hell_  no~ You are  _not_  her type. You’d have to be sweet and brave, good, humble… like  _Marinette_  here!”  
**Chloe:**  *scoffs* “‘Humble’ is right! She’s too plain! She couldn’t even get a date with  _Chat Noir!_ ”  
**Marinette:**  “Pfff—I could get a date with Chat Noir without even trying.”  _(Literally.)_  … Hell, I said that out loud…  
**Alya:**  *waggle*  
**Adrien:**  …  
**Chloe:**  …

 **(   Balcony, as Usual   )**  
**Chat Noir:**  *drops in* …  
**Marinette:**  … “Hey…” … “So… What brings you here?”  
**Chat Noir:**  “Uh…” *turns into an awkward kittybun* “I heard something about a date…”  
**Marinette:**  “…”  
**Chat Noir:**  “No, wait—I didn’t mean like—that was supposed to be suave.”  
**Marinette:**  “Really?”  
**Chat Noir:**  “I was teasing…”  
**Marinette:**  “… I believe you?”  
**Chat Noir:**  “Can I start again?”  
**Marinette:**  *shrugs*  
**Chat Noir:**  “So… date…” (Strike two.)  
**Marinette:**  “… I mean… I got tea and… croissants.”  
**Chat Noir:**  “Am I invited?” (#nailed it)  
**Marinette:**  “Did you bring flowers?”  
**Chat Noir:**  … *pulls out a please-don’t-beat-me-up-too-bad-for-teasing-you apology bouquet* “Yes. I came prepared!” *hopes to heaven she doesn’t read flowers*


	20. The Reveal, MariChat Style

**Adrien:**  Marinette is so different with Chat Noir and Adrien. I get the feeling I don’t know her as well as I should. I mean, I know she’s gentle and sweet and talented, but what don’t I know?  
Hm… I wonder if she’d like Chat Noir as a friend?

**(   Balcony, because creeping through her window would be rude…   )  
Chat Noir:** *stalks in like an actual cat*  
“Hey, Mari—”  
 **Marinette:**  *screams and launches a full watering can— _BULLSEYE_ *  
 **Chat Noir:**  *yowls* “Holy hell, that actually hurts! Do you make a habit of beating up superheroes!?”  
 **Marinette:**  “ _No!_  It’s usually  _akuma!”_  
 **Chat Noir:**  “Watt?—??”  
 **Marinette:**  “whaaat? _?_? ” *…h _nnnnn_ g…*


	21. Why a hamster?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this one's worse than usual... Not even a real ʃɪtfic. I was going to write a generic "LB's crushing on some other guy" vent with Plagg commentary, but it was kind of... more words than I had on me today...
> 
> Anyways, if you'd like to toss me a prompt/idea, feel free.

Adrienette breakup, because Marinette said she wanted three kids and a  _hamster._

 **Adrien:**  “A hamster. A freaking hamster! What is wrong with cats!?”  
**Plagg:**  “You did the right thing, kid. If I had to live with a hamster, I’d have  _eaten_ it.”  
**Adrien:**  “Oh, right. That’s what…”


	22. Marinette Lucky Charm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marinette Lucky Charm should be a legit move.
> 
> I just want to see Marinette pull some nifty little gadget together with no clues or hints and annihilate an akuma that had the misfortune of underestimating her.

**Marinette:**  “A  _scrunchie_. What in the everloving  _hell_  am I supposed to do with a scrunchie? Yeah, this’ll be  _great_  if I lose one of my pigtails!”  
 **Tikki:**  “ _Hey_ , I don’t  _choose_  the charms! I just  _make_  them!”  
 **Marinette:**  “ _We.are.going.to.die!_  I’m going to die because of a dud charm! This is how I go…”  
 **Tikki:**  “Even though I am mad that you insulted my abilities, I still stand by you, Marinette!  
“In spirit. I’m going to go find a cookie.”  
 **Marinette:**  “Wh **a** **t** _ **!**?_ _”_  
 **Tikki:**  “I choose you, Mari! You’re my bug! Good luck~”

 **Marinette:**   _“yiiiiiiiiieee—”_  *notices a random assortment of garbage*  
*panic cuts off*  
“Holy fʌk, I know what to do!”

 **Marinette:**  *grabs her purse, the lucky charm, a plank, a wheel, and an Alya*  
 **Alya:**   _“How?”_  
 **Marinette:**  “Chat Noir, I need your baton!”  
 **Chat Noir:**  “What?”  
 **Marinette:**  “And your tail.”  
 **Chat Noir:**  “Why?”  
 **Marinette:**  “I have an idea!”  
 **Chat Noir:**  … *hopes it’s a plan and not a pass*

 **Chat Noir:**  “I gotta say, I am… unimpressed. And unarmed.”  
 **Alya:**  “I don’t want to die!”  
 **Akuma:**  “What in the—”

## GAME OVER

 **Chat Noir:**   _“Holy ʃɪt!”_  
 **Alya:**  “ _Holy fʌk…!_  I live!”  
 **Tikki:**  “What the  _Plagg_  was  _that!?”_  
 **Marinette:**   _“Nailed it!”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not what I'd call a fic, more a script?


	23. Friends Fivever

**(   First Day   )  
Plagg:** “Looks like my kitten’s already got a girlfriend~”  
 **Adrien:**  “She’s just a friend.”

**(   Post-Reveal   )**  
 **Plagg:**  “How’re things with your new girlfriend?”  
 **Adrien:**  “Ha hah, what’re you talking about, Plagg? She’s just a friend…” *hides his head in the shame blanket*  
 **Marinette:**  “… … …???”  
 **Plagg:**  “… Don’t take it personally, princess. He’s been saying it for so long, it’s going to be a tough habit to break.”


	24. You know who is grounded? Chat Noir

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Adrien’s philosophy is basically: Adrien may be grounded, but not Chat Noir!
> 
> So his dad discovers his secret.  
> He doesn’t confiscate the miraculous, doesn’t try to convert him (because he raised a goodie two-shoes and he knows it).  
> It’s just:

**Gabriel:**  *enters* “Son, you’re grounded!” *exits*  
**Adrien:**  *transforms into Chat Noir*  
**Hawk Moth:**  *enters* “And so are you!”  
**Chat Noir:**  *tries to sneak a baton call*  
**Hawk Moth:**   _“Ahem”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who put me in charge of this!?


	25. In the latest episode of “Season 2 Is Fanfiction”

**Oblivious Catson:**  “ _WOW_ , that’s a lot of pictures…. Plagg, do you know what this means!?”  
**Trash Cat:**  “Hell yes I do!”  
**Oblivious Catson:**  “She thinks we’re friends! Like, for real!”  
**Trash Cat:**  … … … *suffers in silence*

 **Oblivious Catson:**  *rubs himself all over the friendzone, and by “friendzone”, I mean that touchy-feely cuddlespace only friends are allowed in*  
“I’m so glad we’re  _friends!_ ”  
**Disaster Princess:**  *internally screaming in 9 languages and 120+ countries*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear, I've seen this before...  
> Like. 100 times.


	26. Hindsight’s a B….

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now with Style Queen spoilers!

**Miraculous Hero Team, looking back:**

Hawk Moth retired after Style Queen, but came  _back_  because of Queen Bee…

So  _you mean to say_  this could’ve been over  _before_  Mayura?

_Thanks a lot, Queen bɪt͡ʃ!_

_OMG, let it go!_  That was  _years_  ago!!!

_**EXACTLY!** _


	27. Hawkfather

**Chat Noir:**  “Hawk Moth! You killed my father!”

 **Hawk Moth:**  “NO, I  _AM_  YOUR FATHER!”

 **Chat Noir:**  “…  
  
…  
  
…  
  
Okay, yeah, that makes more sense….”


	28. Just Words

**Adrien:**  *models agreste-ively*  
 **Plagg:**  “ _Whoo hooo_ , look at  _you_ , showing off for your  _giRLfrieND~_ ”  
 **Adrien:**  “Marinette is not my girlfriend!”  
 **Plagg:**  “Right. She’s just your friend.”  
 **Adrien:**  “Yes.”  
 **Plagg:**  “That’s a girl.”  
 **Adrien:**  “Right.”  
 **Plagg:**  “So she’s your girl.”  
 **Adrien:**  “Exactly.”  
 **Plagg:**  “Gotcha~”

 

 **(   One Episode Later   )  
** **Adrien:**  “Wait— _NO!_ ”

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The Marinette Lucky Charm](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15784998) by [DisorganizedKitten](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DisorganizedKitten/pseuds/DisorganizedKitten)




End file.
